On one of the days I wrote a letter to Subhadra in a possible explanation as to why I would want to do such things as Im doing in Dantewada. In as much as Subhadra should be getting a copy of the letter, I managed to make a copy and have produced it below.

Dear Subhadra,

Every time I do something different as I’m doing now in Dantewada, Chhattisgarh, people start wondering as to what a weirdo I am. I see this to be the right moment to explain to friends and acquaintances alike as to why I love doing stuff like this. Sridevi and I were talking the other day as to how would we’d manage to tell everyone what we’ve seen, how bad the conditions are out here and all that; now it doesn’t seem to be of any use because people just don’t understand and just don’t give a damn.

There are times when I cannot sit within the four walls of the college campus and remain in total oblivion to certain events that may never be correctly recorded by history. I have felt that this world I live in is so fake that I want to distance myself away from it at the slightest opportunity. That’s a reason why there has always been Darfur, Palestine or Chhattisgarh on my mind. Henceforth , when I’m in Hyderabad or Mumbai and I see people reading the newspapers and discussing an Arushi Talwar or Jessica Lal, my mind would wander to a Hemla Pandey who was killed pregnant while in her hut or the many more whose stories of death I heard from the relatives of those killed. I see people thronging the malls and supposed intellectuals talking about due process and rights when I’m reminded of those who wanted to live and educate their children and didn’t get a chance to do so.

Truly NALSAR has taught me what I don’t want to be in the early part of my life. I don’t want to sit in cramped up corporate offices reading documents but want to work on the law. Part of it should also involve looking that the application of the law at the ground level which doesn’t seem to be happening in Dantewada or Gujarat or Punjab where I’ve been. I remember when I was to go to Darfur you asked me why I would want to go to Darfur and I replied that danger fascinates me. I must confess that I lied. Neither is the reason that I want it to help for a Rhodes or something; I don’t think I’m that ambitious. Its just that I like doing work like this. Its where I can think freely and do some minuscule part to help when thousands are dying. I don’t want to be a hero or anything but am just appalled at the way my friends and acquaintances perceive an issue so grave as this to be trivial.

T.S. Elliot wrote that between the idea and the reality, between the motion and the act falls the shadow. There are times when this shadow may mark the beginning of a new life. I now do not want to share the misery of these people because I cannot afford to spend sleepless nights having nightmares about horrid stories and deaths. I do not want to get into human rights as a profession. If this is to be a new life, I do not want to live it. After all this, I’d still prefer an Alan Shore wearing a saville row suit and arguing in Court.

However still, when people die in numbers that are not yet correctly known and their women are raped and houses burnt, it doesn’t help being indifferent. I meet people I don’t know and they tell me the story of their misery as if I’m a member of their family. Death seems to be normal in what has become a numbers game. I recall reading Elie Wiesel who wrote that indifference then, in certain circumstances such as this, is not only a sin, it is punishment. I certainly would not want to be amongst those sitting in a chair all day, sipping coffee and talking about these deaths as if they’ve done it and seen it all. Id’ rather go and see the situation for myself and see if I can help a little. This is a time when I’m at the cross roads of life with two different paths and I don’t know which to choose from really. This is when I would require you to be there for me and be supportive of whatever decision I might make. Not that it would affect you or anything for I shall be a fool to expect something on that front. Just that it’d be good to have you around.

I remember once quoting Emerson who reckoned a friend to be a masterpiece of nature. One whose very magnificence one is proud of. Needless to say, I still reckon you to be that masterpiece. Things are not so dangerous here as I thought so when I get back to Bombay, even though I might laugh it out, I would not want you to doubt the truth in what I’ve written.

Regards,

Aditya Swarup

 

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